by Allie Goertz

supported by
Reuben Horst
Reuben Horst thumbnail
Reuben Horst A fantastic collection of nerdy songs. Allie Goertz appeared as a guest musician on a show I watch and left me considerably impressed. I bought the album, and here we are. Oh, and in addition to all the great original songs, the album also includes pretty much the greatest cover song ever. Favorite track: Covfefe.
Richard Sansome
Richard Sansome thumbnail
Richard Sansome "Milhouse... Lower your eyebrows... And the other one too..." That's all...

Oh, and listen to the "Everything's Coming Up Podcast"! One of the most loving conversations that you can hear on the Simpsons. Favorite track: Everything's Coming Up Milhouse.
Gezzer thumbnail
Gezzer Quirky geek folk? Well yeah, I guess. But it's more than that. There's actually really well crafted songs in this collection.

Not all hit the mark perfectly, and sometimes there's a bit of redundancy to the soundscape in the tracks. Well first few songs before Sonny Jim (great track) any way.

But after the giggles and groans had run their course I found that the songs themselves have merit as songs first, and comic geek fodder second.

I see this as a beginning of great things to come. Favorite track: Sonny Jim.
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I am so excited to share with you my first album. We have been working on this project since November 2012 and could not be happier with how it turned out. We hope you love it as much as we do.

All money goes towards future Cossbysweater projects. I'm not signed and all the work that went into this album was done by a small group of close friends I trust and love.

Thank you for your support.


released May 4, 2013



all rights reserved


AllieGoertz Los Angeles, California

Nerdy Love Songs

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Track Name: Comedians
It is not my fault
That I like Patton Oswalt
It is not a crime
That I've got Rob Huebel on my mind
and if it's wrong
don't tell me how
cause I'm not gonna stop like Judd Appatow
Cause I am a girl who is in
love with comedians

My first crush was Pee Wee Herman
and now I'm on to Eugene Mirman
I don't know how it happened so fast
but I've got feelings for Martin Starr
and they're gonna last

Tell me it's okay to like Louis CK

All of my friends call me "Smeagol"
Cause I'm looking for a ring from Jason Segel

It's not the money that turns me on
I'm not interested in Benjamins
except for H. Jon
No I'm just a girl who is in love with comedians

I want Andy Daly nightly
Would Paul Scheer come near if I asked him politely
Will my salad ever get tossed
by David Cross?
Track Name: Good Kid
Sometimes it seems like you’re the only one who’s thinking
You switch your sisters keg cause you don’t want her drinking
Bill is getting tipsy while he is watching dallas
Nick writes a song for Lindsey and his fingers callous

You’re a good kid
You do what you should
You’re a good kid
But youre misunderstood

You just want cindy to be yours at the dance
But you like star wars and she’s on cheer
You don’t stand a chance

Neil wants to be cooler
Lindsays tired of hurtin
Kim is getting crueler
Nick wants to drum like Peart and

You’re a good kid
You do what you should
You’re a good kid
But youre misunderstood

You get picked on for being in AV
Folks are strict cause you are still their baby
Put up fight there’s more than one Alan White

You will find that there’s pay off for hard work
In good time you’ll find a girl who likes the jerk
These are only your teens
One day you’ll find your own Maureen

You’re a good kid
You do what you should
You’re a good kid
But youre misunderstood

You want to fit in so you dress a different way
Ken puts on bowie cause he thinks he might be gay
Daniel wants to be punk
Bill gets cut off mid-funk
Nick gets into disco
The girls take a risk oh

You’re a good kid
You do what you should
You’re a good kid
But youre misunderstood
Track Name: Everything's Coming Up Milhouse
Everything’s coming up millhouse
But Lisa still passes him by
Everything’s coming up millhouse
But his flood pants can’t keep his eyes dry

He gives nelson Lisa’s letter
He believes that when she leaves him
she’ll like millhouse better

He get’s knocked to the floor
Isn’t that what a big sister is for?

Everything’s coming up Milhouse
But no body likes him at all
Everything’s coming up Milhouse
But the friends that he’s got laugh at him
when he falls

Milhouse don’t you know
Where ever you go
Trouble will follow

Don’t forget class is
Dismissed at the end
and don’t lend your glasses
To your best friend.

He’ll copy your earring
He’ll sell you his soul
He’ll lie about your goldfish
Even though you’ve got the bowl

Milhouse, lower your eyebrows
And the other one, too
Alone and blue like you

Everything’s coming up Milhouse
But no body likes you at all
Everything’s coming up Milhouse
But the friends that you’ve got laugh at you
when you fall

In the tree house you’re a loner
Lisa knows there’s nothing funny ‘bout the word “tromboner”
She’s bound to respect you soon
When she sees that you’ll do anything she asks of you

You’re so vacant, Milhouse
you could be ol’ Gil’s house
You’re unsatisfactory
As dry as your dad’s cracker factory

Life’s given you lemons
You’ve squozen your supply
You know then what it feels like when doves cry
Track Name: All I Need (The Jerk Song)
Something about the blues depressed me
How quickly you lose your kid just impressed me

When i'm with you I feel up
So let's get pizza in a cup

I've only known you four weeks and three days
To me it feels 9 weeks and 5, babe
The first seemed like a week and the second seemed like more
It's written down, now tell me that i'm yours

I might not have money
But now i'm somebody
I'm in the phonebook pg 73
So when you make love to your boyfriend think of me

You look so peaceful, you almost look dead
I'm no longer nervous, can say things i've never said

I slit the sheet, the sheet I slit, and on the slitted sheet I sit. With you I'm relaxed enough to say it.
I will order both of us the newest wine
In hopes that it will help me make you mine.
I'll put umbrellas in your drink and keep the snails of your plate
If you say "yes" when i ask you on a date

Once you get to know me you'll see my special purpose
and on that day i'll pick you out a vinyl striped thermos

Not an ordinary Thermos but the best that you can buy
now tell me
Can I be your guy?

I can't clap in time but my heart keeps good rhythm
Now promise to think of me when ever youre with him
or if you think that we could work
leave him for this jerk.
Track Name: Sonny Jim
You said,
“Come outside
You and I can take a ride
You don’t have to put your helmet on
If you promise not to tell your mom”

And I said,
“I won’t speak a word
even if I get hurt”

I’ll grab my catcher’s mitt
Put on the grass stained jeans I ripped
I’ll run as far as I’m allowed
To catch the ball

You said
“Hold on tight”
As I prepared to take flight

As I said
“Push me higher”
and so you did.

And you pick me up
And you spin me round
I don’t ever want to touch the ground

I’m not there to be called in
But I’ll always be your Sonny Jim

Then I grew
Too big for your shoulders
And I knew
You won’t always hold her

So young when my life begun
I wonder if you were ready
Drink coke when you’re twenty-one
You always held me steady

You worry if I’ll be alright
When you and Rod go out tonight
But you’ve earned having grown up
And I’ll still be here when you’re done

Scared of ten
You’ll never be one again.
Now, a friend
Who would have liked you then

You pick me up
And you spin me round
I don’t ever wanna touch the ground


You can’t reach the dial
You put up with bad tv so I can sleep a while
You sand in the garage
You meant to stop but now the rough part’s gone.

You pick me up and you spin me round
I don’t ever wanna touch the ground
If you pick me up I won’t let you down
I don’t wanna hafta touch the ground
Track Name: Tonight (D&D)
You've had enough
of your 9-5
so grab your stuff
and you start to drive

cause tonight you will play
in a new founded campaign
where you dont have to think of home
just of princesses and thrones

yes tonight, you're with friends
and until this journey ends
you are braver and stronger
why can't this night last longer

youve got the snacks
theyve got the die
you roll your stats as they get high

rolled three 18's
your lucky night
you hope you will get in a fight

and oh, there will be blood spilled
oh, there will be orcs killed
by your hand

guards come fast, you take them on
with fiery blast you move along
you were lied to by a spy
you lose a friend you want to cry

until you hear a sound in the distance
that pulls you back into your own existence

you count chip bags on the floor
your friends divide the gold you'll store.
and while the DM calculates
you think about your player's traits

he's strong, charismatic
and he doesn't look like you
being brave's not problematic
when your AC's 22

but tonight you fought well
and you don't let yourself dwell
on your burdens
your workday
how could you when there are dragons to slay
Track Name: Maeby One Day
You and I can share a mayonegg
Give me your hand
Consider me bland
But I will help you make your banana stand

Honey, can I give a buzz cuz you’re special to me
Can I bee so crazy for you that I need analrapy

show me your best boy fight
give me your brownie, afternoon delight

come on come on come on
i don't need bob loblaw to prove that I'm in love
come on come on come on
after pop pop stay with me, don't return me like a dove

Let me be the huge mistake that you make

I'm not acting. Who am I, Carl Weathers?
Our love is magic, lighter fluid and feathers.

Hair down hair up lights off
Let me be the MR F that Mr. you would like to F
Hair down hair up lights off
Come on, drink. I’m feeling loose; I’ve got unlimited juice

My cream is made of lots of diamonds
Come with me on the yacht to an island.

And when we go, we’ll leave a note.
Track Name: Song for Ulvaak
With a poisoned blade and a list of names

I stabbed and slashed and made my fame
For gold, I took lives free of blame
In the city of Gamotia

My sword was keen, my armor thick
No fighter’s thrust or wizard’s trick
Or curse from priest, or thieving pick
Could pierce my heart of stone

So off one day I rode and rode
Into a dungeon’s maw I strode
Some beast to worry, bait, and goad
Then kill, to claim a bounty

Then down a crooked hallway crept
Across a spiked canyon leapt
Into a chamber, phantom-swept
There sat my newest prey
A hissing demon made of bone
A rotted tunic, eyes that shone
Regal, sat on silver throne
A zombie king, I reckoned

It made no difference—I’d been paid
A killer’s contract had been made
This ghoul’s head, severed, would be laid
On my retainer’s table

Then up he sprang and drew a scroll
And with a voice dry-dark as coal
Began a chant that pierced my soul
And froze me where I stood

I wore two rings one carved from jade
One of mithril, elvish made
The first one cause all magic to fade, the second made me swift

Not swift enough or so it seemed
The ghouls eyes sockets yet still gleamed
And then drew close as gray mist steamed out of his hingey jaw

“Your contract’s null, yet you will live
I’m not the one your death to give
That fate awaits—but, like a sieve,
Your time is running short.”

He said, “There are worlds above our own
We are but fancies, proxies thrown
Into a dream—not flesh and bone
We are but dice and paper.”

“We’re hero figures for the weak
Who aren’t yet confident to speak-
To girls, or claim the life they seek,”
The ghoul said with a sigh

Back in Gamotia, suddenly
(Or had it always bothered me?)-
I sensed a subtle falsity-
In every face I spied

Their skills and defects, will and wit-
Seemed paper-thin and counterfeit-
Their fates the same and long pre-writ-
Off in some far-off sky

The sky I noticed seemed to be
Of crumpled foolscap torn me
No longer was I a killer free
To kind my own lifes path

I sensed, somewhere outside the land,-
A soft and inexperienced hand
That knew no steel and claimed no land-
Had brought me into being

And so decided, in a flash
I’d not be tossed away like trash
My sword would rend and gnaw and lash
Against a pudgy god
Track Name: Open Letter (to myself)
Dear Allison ,

Won’t you
Hold on to your virtues
But not get caught up in your head

Did you know that it’s okay
For people to like different things
What will it matter when you’re dead
That you like what you do

When people ask “who’s got the best taste”
You say you
It’s time to put that to rest
Don’t forget the subjectivity of best

You can have a friend
Who likes watching Friends
Without thinking they’re a bad person

I know that you’re leery
Of people who watch Big Bang Theory
Cause you think there’s no show worse than that

But you can’t change what people like
If your mom likes Glee
Don’t put up a fight

You can be opinionated
Without making your friends feel
So alienated
Just stop telling them that they’re wrong
For listening to their favorite song

If they don’t know what In Bruges is
Or prefer the three stooges
To Chico Harpo and Groucho Marx

If they don’t like Django Reinhardt
Or Demetri Martin’s pie charts

Try and spare them your
Snide remarks

You can like the girls
Who don’t like Dunham’s Girls
Without calling them all morons

Some friends don’t like RPGS
Or the get the reference “covered in bees”
Some people will never ever ever
See Red Dawn

But you can’t change what people like
If your mom likes Two and a Half Men
Try and be polite

You can be opinionated
Without making your friend feel
So alienated
Just stop telling that they’re wrong
For still listening to that god awful song

Your friends shouldn’t be berated for calling the Beatles overrated
No matter how much you disagree

But if you put on Seinfeld
And they don’t laugh
Say something hurtful
And never take it back.

Track Name: Stagnant's Fine
Here I am and there you are
How far can we take this sham?

There you go and Here I stay
How long can we keep things this way?

"Long Enough"
Does it exist?
Is there a time where it makes sense to leave room to be missed?

Can't we just stay?
Leave it how it is?
How much better could it really be than this?

Stagnant's fine
Stagnant's safe
Stuck in time, stuck in place

Here’s not good
Here’s not bad
Here's to things not being more sad

"There" seems nice
But at a price
and it's a chance I don't trust with my dice.
Track Name: Paging Mr. Herman
There is a place I can go when I’m dreary
A home of a friend that makes me feel good
Within this space I am suddenly cheery
I’m happy, warm and understood

Let’s connect the dots with the Magic Screen
Get lost in watts of our Majesty

The King of Cartoons
Will take us soon
To a land we can make believe

Let’s go play fetch with our good friend¬¬ Pterri
Throw it far and watch him soar
Where would I be without my pal, Chairy?
Probably on the floor

Now Conky will teach us the secret word
We’ll scream real loud every time it’s heard

No salesman today
It’s the playhouse gang
And they are ready to play

But what’ll happen if
I don’t get my wish

What if I can’t be seen again
And I lose all my friends

I can be… randy
Only so many times
Before being brought back to cool cat
Dirty dog and chicky baby’s rhymes

Passed Mr. Window
And far beyond Globy
I’m told I’m too old for pretend

But here, in the playhouse that never outgrows me,
I’ll always have my friends

So Please cowboy Curtis
And Miss Yvonne if you’ve heard us
Pick up the picture phone

I’m paging mr. herman
Mr. herman you have a call,
please answer cuz I’m headed home
Track Name: The Hobbit Song
The warm sun rises on the lush green trees
With no surprises here to make me late for tea
I don't like things that are strange
Cause comfort doesn't come from change

save your adventures for the the sneaks and the thieves
for I assure you I am meek and none of these

find someone to take my place
and I will live life at my pace

“oh, oh bilbo”
the grey wizard said with a smile,
do you truly wish to live a life so plain and simple
when in another man's shoes you haven't walked a mile.

there is a fire in the hearts of all
beyond the shire you may soon feel tall

there's more to you than they will guess
time will put you to the test
we may not meet before the end
for there's trouble in the south my friends

what is complaining when it's only raining
what is cold and what tired?
When you have enough gold to retire?
What are scars from beasts ‘n’ crooks
when you're a hero in the history books

you must carry on
even when you can’t sing your song
and when the nights feel ever longer
it is up to you to be strong

through riddles and games
you hear the mountains call your name

clarity atop the trees
you recall a life once lived with ease

neither your sword nor ring
alone can claim your beckoning

back to a world so grand
you found when you dismissed your plans

you have fought your foes and found your friends
you have made it there and back again